And, now, for your enjoyment, a special Post-Thanksgiving rant!
So, during a discussion of Thanksgiving, a friend asks me, "Have you ever heard of replacing the apples in an apple pie with Ritz crackers?" Yes, apparently, this is a suggested recipe on every box, or something like that. The texture of wet crackers is similar to apples, and seasoning can give you the same flavour. Now, the first thought I have is . . . That's not apple pie, that's cracker pie. How frickin' disappointing would that be?
"Oh boy, oh boy, a hot American apple pie! Mmmhmm, I love me some hot apple pie goodness!" You think, as you sink your teeth into a properly cooled (by blowing on it) fork-full of pie. As you notice that the namesake of the pie has been replaced with bland, tasteless, ground-up, oval-shaped grain patties, you spit it out in disgust, screaming, "What the fuck is this? This ain't no apple pie, this is cracker pie!" Then, you pause, and you repeat the phrase "cracker pie," and you break down laughing, because cracker pie is just frickin' funny to say. Come on, try it. "Cracker pie." Crah-kerr paaaieh.
Okay, never mind that...
Now, the second thought I have here is this: apples grow on trees. I mean, everybody read or heard about that stupid jackass Johnny Appleseed, who, supposedly, spread apple seeds everywhere in the colonial period, back when everybody was dropping dead from famine and disease, right then. Yeah, way to go Johnny Applejackoff, twenty years from now, when those seeds grow into trees, they can help feed the vultures that are feasting on the rotted corpses of all the colonists who starved to death waiting for trees to grow. But, okay, the point is: if some retard in overalls and a tri-pointed hat can throw apple seeds around like a crack dealer on the corner of the day care centre, then they're obviously not hard to come by. Apples grow on trees. On trees. You know that expression, "Money doesn't grow on trees." The implication there is that things that grow on trees are plentiful and bountiful, like from a veritable cornucopia of the Gods.
In conclusion, why the fuck do we need to be replacing apples in apple pie? Somewhere deep in the bowels of Ritz Headquarters (located in Crackertown, Vermont), some executive smoked a blunt and said, "You know... It'd be schwweeeeeeet if we fooled a bunch of stoopid Americans into thinking they need to replace the apples in apple pies with our craclers!" Then, the executive next to him nudged him in the ribs and told him to stop "bogarting the shit, dawg." But, after a long pause, during which there was much inhalation of marijuana, the C.E.O. of Ritz, who was sitting in the back making lines of cocaine and cracker dust with a razor blade, goes, "That's... That's genius!" In celebration of the idea, the entire personnel of Ritz HQ got the day off to snort crack cocaine off of the asses of prostitutes in neighbouring Crackwhoretown, Vermont.
This unlikely scenario is the only explanation I can fathom for why anyone would think we have some dire need to prepare for the Apple Apocalypse. Somewhere, I hope someone else reads the side of a Ritz cracker box and goes, "Hey, wait a fucking second, apples grow in my backyard, why would I ever be facing a conundrum of being unable to ascertaining a batch of apples for the procedure of proper preparation of apple pie?" (This other person, apparently, is very wordy and alliterative.) If I ever find myself at a Thanksgiving dinner where they're serving cracker pie, I think I may have to light the cook on fire and chant voodoo curses on all of his relatives for the utter stupidity of having felt the need to replace delicious apples with wet cardboard and apple flavouring.
Come to think of it, this isn't the only instance of replacing fruits in a recipe with artificial replacements. I constantly see on the side of fruit drinks or fruit desserts, "made with artificial flavouring." Who even came up with this? Was some scientist trying to cure cancer and accidently came up with something that tasted like banana, so now they use that instead of bananas in banana pudding.
What is wrong with this God damn world? Rationing water and fruit, but not, you know, expendable resources like fossil fuels. Come 2050, we're going to have an abundance of apples and oranges, but no God damn heat, and because the Sun will no doubt go out by then, we're going to freeze to death clutching our precious lemons we spared from having to make into lemonade so many decades ago. I just know an alien race is going to dig up our remains thirty million years from now and wonder why an entire race of beings was turned into ice statues wearing fruit bowl hats like the Tropicana girl.
Pass Me The Panacea
So, during a discussion of Thanksgiving, a friend asks me, "Have you ever heard of replacing the apples in an apple pie with Ritz crackers?" Yes, apparently, this is a suggested recipe on every box, or something like that. The texture of wet crackers is similar to apples, and seasoning can give you the same flavour. Now, the first thought I have is . . . That's not apple pie, that's cracker pie. How frickin' disappointing would that be?
"Oh boy, oh boy, a hot American apple pie! Mmmhmm, I love me some hot apple pie goodness!" You think, as you sink your teeth into a properly cooled (by blowing on it) fork-full of pie. As you notice that the namesake of the pie has been replaced with bland, tasteless, ground-up, oval-shaped grain patties, you spit it out in disgust, screaming, "What the fuck is this? This ain't no apple pie, this is cracker pie!" Then, you pause, and you repeat the phrase "cracker pie," and you break down laughing, because cracker pie is just frickin' funny to say. Come on, try it. "Cracker pie." Crah-kerr paaaieh.
Okay, never mind that...
Now, the second thought I have here is this: apples grow on trees. I mean, everybody read or heard about that stupid jackass Johnny Appleseed, who, supposedly, spread apple seeds everywhere in the colonial period, back when everybody was dropping dead from famine and disease, right then. Yeah, way to go Johnny Applejackoff, twenty years from now, when those seeds grow into trees, they can help feed the vultures that are feasting on the rotted corpses of all the colonists who starved to death waiting for trees to grow. But, okay, the point is: if some retard in overalls and a tri-pointed hat can throw apple seeds around like a crack dealer on the corner of the day care centre, then they're obviously not hard to come by. Apples grow on trees. On trees. You know that expression, "Money doesn't grow on trees." The implication there is that things that grow on trees are plentiful and bountiful, like from a veritable cornucopia of the Gods.
In conclusion, why the fuck do we need to be replacing apples in apple pie? Somewhere deep in the bowels of Ritz Headquarters (located in Crackertown, Vermont), some executive smoked a blunt and said, "You know... It'd be schwweeeeeeet if we fooled a bunch of stoopid Americans into thinking they need to replace the apples in apple pies with our craclers!" Then, the executive next to him nudged him in the ribs and told him to stop "bogarting the shit, dawg." But, after a long pause, during which there was much inhalation of marijuana, the C.E.O. of Ritz, who was sitting in the back making lines of cocaine and cracker dust with a razor blade, goes, "That's... That's genius!" In celebration of the idea, the entire personnel of Ritz HQ got the day off to snort crack cocaine off of the asses of prostitutes in neighbouring Crackwhoretown, Vermont.
This unlikely scenario is the only explanation I can fathom for why anyone would think we have some dire need to prepare for the Apple Apocalypse. Somewhere, I hope someone else reads the side of a Ritz cracker box and goes, "Hey, wait a fucking second, apples grow in my backyard, why would I ever be facing a conundrum of being unable to ascertaining a batch of apples for the procedure of proper preparation of apple pie?" (This other person, apparently, is very wordy and alliterative.) If I ever find myself at a Thanksgiving dinner where they're serving cracker pie, I think I may have to light the cook on fire and chant voodoo curses on all of his relatives for the utter stupidity of having felt the need to replace delicious apples with wet cardboard and apple flavouring.
Come to think of it, this isn't the only instance of replacing fruits in a recipe with artificial replacements. I constantly see on the side of fruit drinks or fruit desserts, "made with artificial flavouring." Who even came up with this? Was some scientist trying to cure cancer and accidently came up with something that tasted like banana, so now they use that instead of bananas in banana pudding.
What is wrong with this God damn world? Rationing water and fruit, but not, you know, expendable resources like fossil fuels. Come 2050, we're going to have an abundance of apples and oranges, but no God damn heat, and because the Sun will no doubt go out by then, we're going to freeze to death clutching our precious lemons we spared from having to make into lemonade so many decades ago. I just know an alien race is going to dig up our remains thirty million years from now and wonder why an entire race of beings was turned into ice statues wearing fruit bowl hats like the Tropicana girl.
EOF
posted by c.Jay Wrong at
11:17 PM
<< Home