‘Tis always somewhat disturbing to have the insatiable desire to amputate your feet because they're, literally, covered with bug bites. "Sit out in the backyard," thought I. "Only wearing flipflops, for an hour, listening to music," thought I. "Idiot," would be my thought right now.
Do you know what it means when I'm using a large portion of my creative writing in this Blogspot? It means I'm not putting enough effort into my Writer's Workbook for English class. So, because I, now, am, it's time for reviews, my favourite cop-out on ranting. Sure, there's the Supreme Court ruling on random student drug-testing, the Harlem Globetrotters on television, and other current events on my mind that I could, very easily, spend four to five pages writing about, but, eh, I need that energy for my English writing. There'll be a month between the end of this summer course and the commencement of the Fall semester, where I'll have more opportunity to rant in this . . . However, I may pump those creative juices into Dungeons & Dragons or anime, shrug, who knows.
Again, as a display of the fact I am not entirely fixated on the world of cinematic animation, let me speak on my take on Minority Report, Spielberg's [sic, because I don't care enough to look up how to spell it, which is sad because I looked up "sesquipedalian" for no reason] latest submission into the blockbuster box office. Hmph, Corel had the correct spelling of Spielberg's name in the dictionary database, surprising and only amusing to myself, I'm sure. Who's the big name behind the protagonist role in this flick, again? Tom Cruise, I think. Wasn't he the guy who did that contrived action film, Mission Impossible 2: the Most Impossibly Drawn Out 2 Hours of Car Chases and Explosions Ever? Yeah, sounds right . . . Anyway, it's been approximately a week and a half since I saw Minority Report, and, simply noting how much of it I retained will tell you how impressed I was. Speaking of drawn out, there were, at minimum, five times in this film where I thought to myself, "Hah! The end!" And, much to my dismay, it didn't end. The special effects were, indubitably, way past cool, to use bad, dated 80's slang. Computers with tiny, unexplained, clear data discs, holographics out the ass, virtual reality; every little device, gadget, doohickey, whatchamacallit, and technology a science-fiction geek has ever had a wet dream about, especially those virtual reality sex machines, makes a cameo appearance. The plot? Well, if you've seen the trailer, you know it's about a future where "Precrime" exists, based on psychic predictions made by metaphysically-attuned, Hey, look at what concept we pulled off the back of a cereal box precognitive babies. Yes, tiny Miss Cleos, but without the tarot cards and with tubes and a giant toilet bowl. Right, anyway . . . There's this guy, you know, and he's all like, uh, doing stuff, and crazy shit like that, yanowhadimsayin', bling bling, hot off the ice grill, muthafucka? (I have no idea why that sentence is punctuated with a question mark, but it seems like it should be.) On a side note, I didn't hate this movie, but mocking it is is oh so easy. This man who lost his son (Literally, he lost him, as in misplaced) and now works for the Department of Precrime to prevent future murders of happy children in swimming trunks, and it works, in spite of the fact it's based on silly psychic-hotline babies in a giant frickin' toilet bowl. Have I mentioned the fact that there are little kid soaking in a giant god damn toilet bowl, yet? Uh, yeah, the plot, the plot . . . Man loses son, becomes bitter and determined to save the world, works for Precrime, and here's the lemon twist on the glass of toilet bowl ice tea: he's predicted to murder a man he doesn't know next week! I tell you, regardless of the actual plot, everybody knows why this guy is framed, who wouldn't be pissed if they were bound up in a prop from a Tidy Bowl commercial while some guy in black spandex does a dance in your window? The movie, gotta keep myself on track, here . . . What Minority Report boils down is the most flashy murder mystery, supersaturated with eye candy, ever made. It's reminiscent of Demolition Man, in that it's a simple film taking place in a sweet setting that constantly has the viewer going "Oooh," "Ahhh," and "Holy shit, did you just see that fucking hologram talk to that son of a bitch?" As I mentioned before, somewhere prior to all of my pointless mockery, my main complaint is that this movie's pace is a bit . . . off. It does not terminate until everything is absolute, with no room for a sequel. (Thank God, because I get sick of movies not worth continuing the plot of having more mindless clones spat out of the Hollywood factory.) *Cough*Matrix2*Cough*Matrix3*Cough* Ahem, did I just say something? Noooo . . . In the end, Spielberg's Minority Report is a fun trip into a fantasy future riddled with sleek, futuristic stuff of all kind, with a pinch of plot thrown in. Just like with Demolition Man, you can sit there and discuss the ethics of the society presented until you're blue, but that's hardly the point of the movie. I don't think this'll ever find its way into my DVD collection, but it'd be a fun rental, preferably for those with a home theatre system. I give it a . . . Hm . . . 30% Failure Rating. Tyche and Gabe over at Penny Arcade may have dug it hard enough to make a comic slamming a critic who bashed it, but I can't say I'd blame anyone for bad-mouthing Minority Report.
I had more gusto to write reviews when I first opened my word processor, but that steam and cloud of hot air has left me for now. My intentions were to hit on A Beautiful Mind and some anime, but that's not happening, so go somewhere else to further satisfy your need for sarcastic and critical analysis of multimedia, beotch. You heard me! Shoo!
Adios.
Currently Playing Song: Modest Mouse - Beach Side Property
Quote of the Moment: "There's no chance to survive, make your time!" - Sasshi from Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai (Abenobashi Magical Shopping District), also Cat from the infamous, mangled translation of Zero Wing. (So sick of "All Your Base" references, but it's funny to see it come up in anime, now. It's frickin' everywhere, I tell you.)
My Sesquipedalian Perversion
Do you know what it means when I'm using a large portion of my creative writing in this Blogspot? It means I'm not putting enough effort into my Writer's Workbook for English class. So, because I, now, am, it's time for reviews, my favourite cop-out on ranting. Sure, there's the Supreme Court ruling on random student drug-testing, the Harlem Globetrotters on television, and other current events on my mind that I could, very easily, spend four to five pages writing about, but, eh, I need that energy for my English writing. There'll be a month between the end of this summer course and the commencement of the Fall semester, where I'll have more opportunity to rant in this . . . However, I may pump those creative juices into Dungeons & Dragons or anime, shrug, who knows.
Again, as a display of the fact I am not entirely fixated on the world of cinematic animation, let me speak on my take on Minority Report, Spielberg's [sic, because I don't care enough to look up how to spell it, which is sad because I looked up "sesquipedalian" for no reason] latest submission into the blockbuster box office. Hmph, Corel had the correct spelling of Spielberg's name in the dictionary database, surprising and only amusing to myself, I'm sure. Who's the big name behind the protagonist role in this flick, again? Tom Cruise, I think. Wasn't he the guy who did that contrived action film, Mission Impossible 2: the Most Impossibly Drawn Out 2 Hours of Car Chases and Explosions Ever? Yeah, sounds right . . . Anyway, it's been approximately a week and a half since I saw Minority Report, and, simply noting how much of it I retained will tell you how impressed I was. Speaking of drawn out, there were, at minimum, five times in this film where I thought to myself, "Hah! The end!" And, much to my dismay, it didn't end. The special effects were, indubitably, way past cool, to use bad, dated 80's slang. Computers with tiny, unexplained, clear data discs, holographics out the ass, virtual reality; every little device, gadget, doohickey, whatchamacallit, and technology a science-fiction geek has ever had a wet dream about, especially those virtual reality sex machines, makes a cameo appearance. The plot? Well, if you've seen the trailer, you know it's about a future where "Precrime" exists, based on psychic predictions made by metaphysically-attuned, Hey, look at what concept we pulled off the back of a cereal box precognitive babies. Yes, tiny Miss Cleos, but without the tarot cards and with tubes and a giant toilet bowl. Right, anyway . . . There's this guy, you know, and he's all like, uh, doing stuff, and crazy shit like that, yanowhadimsayin', bling bling, hot off the ice grill, muthafucka? (I have no idea why that sentence is punctuated with a question mark, but it seems like it should be.) On a side note, I didn't hate this movie, but mocking it is is oh so easy. This man who lost his son (Literally, he lost him, as in misplaced) and now works for the Department of Precrime to prevent future murders of happy children in swimming trunks, and it works, in spite of the fact it's based on silly psychic-hotline babies in a giant frickin' toilet bowl. Have I mentioned the fact that there are little kid soaking in a giant god damn toilet bowl, yet? Uh, yeah, the plot, the plot . . . Man loses son, becomes bitter and determined to save the world, works for Precrime, and here's the lemon twist on the glass of toilet bowl ice tea: he's predicted to murder a man he doesn't know next week! I tell you, regardless of the actual plot, everybody knows why this guy is framed, who wouldn't be pissed if they were bound up in a prop from a Tidy Bowl commercial while some guy in black spandex does a dance in your window? The movie, gotta keep myself on track, here . . . What Minority Report boils down is the most flashy murder mystery, supersaturated with eye candy, ever made. It's reminiscent of Demolition Man, in that it's a simple film taking place in a sweet setting that constantly has the viewer going "Oooh," "Ahhh," and "Holy shit, did you just see that fucking hologram talk to that son of a bitch?" As I mentioned before, somewhere prior to all of my pointless mockery, my main complaint is that this movie's pace is a bit . . . off. It does not terminate until everything is absolute, with no room for a sequel. (Thank God, because I get sick of movies not worth continuing the plot of having more mindless clones spat out of the Hollywood factory.) *Cough*Matrix2*Cough*Matrix3*Cough* Ahem, did I just say something? Noooo . . . In the end, Spielberg's Minority Report is a fun trip into a fantasy future riddled with sleek, futuristic stuff of all kind, with a pinch of plot thrown in. Just like with Demolition Man, you can sit there and discuss the ethics of the society presented until you're blue, but that's hardly the point of the movie. I don't think this'll ever find its way into my DVD collection, but it'd be a fun rental, preferably for those with a home theatre system. I give it a . . . Hm . . . 30% Failure Rating. Tyche and Gabe over at Penny Arcade may have dug it hard enough to make a comic slamming a critic who bashed it, but I can't say I'd blame anyone for bad-mouthing Minority Report.
EOF
I had more gusto to write reviews when I first opened my word processor, but that steam and cloud of hot air has left me for now. My intentions were to hit on A Beautiful Mind and some anime, but that's not happening, so go somewhere else to further satisfy your need for sarcastic and critical analysis of multimedia, beotch. You heard me! Shoo!
Adios.
Currently Playing Song: Modest Mouse - Beach Side Property
Quote of the Moment: "There's no chance to survive, make your time!" - Sasshi from Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai (Abenobashi Magical Shopping District), also Cat from the infamous, mangled translation of Zero Wing. (So sick of "All Your Base" references, but it's funny to see it come up in anime, now. It's frickin' everywhere, I tell you.)
posted by c.Jay Wrong at
1:19 PM
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