Nothing Escapes the Infallible Ken of My Madness
I have something to say, and I very commonly have something to say. One may say that I say something about having something to say more often than I say something, but to those people I say, “Fie!” Why? Because archaic, Middle-English profanity is super-cool, unless you suck: in which case, it’s lame. But, to those people, I say . . . Uh, “Fie!” And I have, thus, created a circle, so next paragraph.
If you actually read through the previous paragraph, award yourself one point.
I never had anything for Wonder Woman, not ever, not even a little bit. There was not even the slightest of arousal elicited from me by Wonder Woman in any form, fashion, shape, or vehicle. Perhaps, this could be accounted for by the fact that when I was young, animation in America wasn’t quite at the level of zealous-lemur-rape, a la G.I. Joe and, obviously due to be mentioned: Wonder Woman. Anyway, the point being that there should be nothing attractive about the most poorly-drawn woman since Olive Oil. Now, Major Katsunagi from Ghost in the Shell, on the other hand: sweet Jesus, yes.
If you noticed the contradictions within the previous paragraph, award yourself one point.
If you know who Major Katsunagi is, award yourself a Hell Yes.
A sentence should always have a verb, subject, and object; for example, I hate you all. Punctuation marks are like the candy of the English language, which is to say that they are sweet and savoury, and everybody wants to consume (use) it all the time – but, rarely do people realize that there’s unique candy, and that candy tastes better in moderation (also, with proper placement). Take the dash, as a demonstration of a shunted punctuation mark: nobody loves the dash. In fact, many people confuse the dash with the hyphen, and don’t realize the difference – it makes me cry. Sure, the semi-colon gets its chance in the limelight in high-school English classes, but when does the dash get its time to shine, its fair share of the pie, eh? I think it’s time that the dash got what’s coming to it – how else can you excuse breaking a clause of a sentence with something that’s not even necessarily tangential to what’s being said? Watch: so, Marvin and Lucy were walking along – hurriedly, as though wild gazelle were hot on their trail – on their way to the grocery mart. See? Fun and easy!
If you spotted the irony of the first and last sentence of the previous paragraph, award yourself two points.
If you know the proportional relationship between the hyphen and dash, award yourself one point.
If you would like to make a call, please hang up and dial your number again.
The next time I ever read or hear the phrase, “ . . . terrorists could strike . . .,” one more time in the news, or radio, or just . . . World . . . . I am going to strike terror at an indeterminate time and place. (Also, I demand more recognition of the ellipsis – God, damn it, I love ellipses.)
If you have, like me, seen or heard the aforementioned phrase more than three times in a day, award yourself a number of points equal to the number of times you spotted it minus three.
That’s enough of that.
Scoring:
0 – 1: You, sir, suck.
2 – 3: You, sir, are constructed from the essence of rose-coloured cheese-pants.
4 – 5: You, sir, may be in need of a new insurance policy, and I do believe that I have just the one that you’ve been looking for. It covers life, death, theft, fire, flood, natural disaster, martians, celebrity maulings . . .
6 – 7: You, sir, HAVE WON A MILLION DOLLARS! WOOHOO!! Uh, but . . . Er, ah, not from me, of course, heh-heh. I just kinda, you know, thought that you may have . . . Uh, won some money, from . . . Somewhere. OH, GOD, MY PRESCIOUS BODILY FLUIDS POUR FORTH FROM ME LIKE A BROKEN WATER FOUNTAIN FULL OF BLOOD!
8 – 9: -1
10 – 11: +0
12 – 13: +1
14 – 15: +2
16 – 17: Platypus steak-sauce ranchers ate your banana-coconut, lime-flavoured gelatin, then ran off to fuck a tyrannosaurus rex, the King of the Lizards and masturbating puppy-dogs full of cantaloupe and holy-water.
18 – 19: You, sir, are a genius.
20 – 21: Bush MUST Lose ‘04!
Adios.
If you actually read through the previous paragraph, award yourself one point.
I never had anything for Wonder Woman, not ever, not even a little bit. There was not even the slightest of arousal elicited from me by Wonder Woman in any form, fashion, shape, or vehicle. Perhaps, this could be accounted for by the fact that when I was young, animation in America wasn’t quite at the level of zealous-lemur-rape, a la G.I. Joe and, obviously due to be mentioned: Wonder Woman. Anyway, the point being that there should be nothing attractive about the most poorly-drawn woman since Olive Oil. Now, Major Katsunagi from Ghost in the Shell, on the other hand: sweet Jesus, yes.
If you noticed the contradictions within the previous paragraph, award yourself one point.
If you know who Major Katsunagi is, award yourself a Hell Yes.
A sentence should always have a verb, subject, and object; for example, I hate you all. Punctuation marks are like the candy of the English language, which is to say that they are sweet and savoury, and everybody wants to consume (use) it all the time – but, rarely do people realize that there’s unique candy, and that candy tastes better in moderation (also, with proper placement). Take the dash, as a demonstration of a shunted punctuation mark: nobody loves the dash. In fact, many people confuse the dash with the hyphen, and don’t realize the difference – it makes me cry. Sure, the semi-colon gets its chance in the limelight in high-school English classes, but when does the dash get its time to shine, its fair share of the pie, eh? I think it’s time that the dash got what’s coming to it – how else can you excuse breaking a clause of a sentence with something that’s not even necessarily tangential to what’s being said? Watch: so, Marvin and Lucy were walking along – hurriedly, as though wild gazelle were hot on their trail – on their way to the grocery mart. See? Fun and easy!
If you spotted the irony of the first and last sentence of the previous paragraph, award yourself two points.
If you know the proportional relationship between the hyphen and dash, award yourself one point.
If you would like to make a call, please hang up and dial your number again.
The next time I ever read or hear the phrase, “ . . . terrorists could strike . . .,” one more time in the news, or radio, or just . . . World . . . . I am going to strike terror at an indeterminate time and place. (Also, I demand more recognition of the ellipsis – God, damn it, I love ellipses.)
If you have, like me, seen or heard the aforementioned phrase more than three times in a day, award yourself a number of points equal to the number of times you spotted it minus three.
That’s enough of that.
Scoring:
0 – 1: You, sir, suck.
2 – 3: You, sir, are constructed from the essence of rose-coloured cheese-pants.
4 – 5: You, sir, may be in need of a new insurance policy, and I do believe that I have just the one that you’ve been looking for. It covers life, death, theft, fire, flood, natural disaster, martians, celebrity maulings . . .
6 – 7: You, sir, HAVE WON A MILLION DOLLARS! WOOHOO!! Uh, but . . . Er, ah, not from me, of course, heh-heh. I just kinda, you know, thought that you may have . . . Uh, won some money, from . . . Somewhere. OH, GOD, MY PRESCIOUS BODILY FLUIDS POUR FORTH FROM ME LIKE A BROKEN WATER FOUNTAIN FULL OF BLOOD!
8 – 9: -1
10 – 11: +0
12 – 13: +1
14 – 15: +2
16 – 17: Platypus steak-sauce ranchers ate your banana-coconut, lime-flavoured gelatin, then ran off to fuck a tyrannosaurus rex, the King of the Lizards and masturbating puppy-dogs full of cantaloupe and holy-water.
18 – 19: You, sir, are a genius.
20 – 21: Bush MUST Lose ‘04!
Adios.
posted by c.Jay Wrong at
1:01 AM
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