Welcome to My Sanctum (Again and Still)

When I look back upon the things I have done, the things I have said, I do not wonder why I said them – I remember. I remember my feelings, my emotions, the schools of thought I was prescribed to at the time, the philosophies that I held up in light, and the psychological frame of mind I existed in, at that time. I don’t regret: that’s a principle I have adhered to for the two decades I’ve been here, alive, on this rock o’ our’n. I may question, I may falter, I may flounder in the face of the confusing jumble of thoughts and sounds of my mind, but I don’t regret, in the end. I see in my old writing, on this very Blog, my inefficiency at communicating coherent thoughts; however, as the title does indicate, this is my place for doing what may boil down to rambling and raving. Things may not connect, and they may not be the most understandable mass of sentences in the world – to anyone but me, at least, for I understand and know, like an inside trader (which, of course, is unfair to everyone else, but it is the way it is). But, the question here, for me, from me, to me, would be is this a success, am I successful with what I am doing, here, on this Blog? I would say so, since this was created for the infinite purpose of fulfilling the itch I have to write, here and there – Sure, this has gone stagnant at times, and there have been months when I simply didn’t put anything here, but such is the nature of a creature borne to function by whim. This is like a record of, for one, my progression as a writer; you never realize how you improve until you look back at what you once considered good, and no longer feel so proud of that creation. So, sometimes, this serves entirely to lift my spirits about my career (if you would go so far as to call it that) as a writer. It also is a timetable of the overriding mood I was experiencing at certain points in time, for even blank months tell me of things that are hidden between the lines. All that makes this sort of seem like a selfish endeavour, which, in part, it is; but, I also did have a desire to share these things with people – These things in my head. To this day, I don’t know who reads this, regularly or at all, and I don’t care to: it’s better to write to an imaginary audience, because it frees one of any obligation that may exist when the target audience is known. There were times I knew of one or two people who read this, and it ended up being a hindrance because I wouldn’t post things due to my subconscious desire to please those people. This Blog follows no pattern, it has no structure, it is nothing more than what I want to write, when I want to write; so, as a result, you get everything from movie reviews to poetry to inane babble. It’s funny to realize that one can actually improve in the presentation of babble, but I can see that I have gotten better at expressing what comes down to nonsense. The idea of a pattern and rhyme to nonsense has always been something I found entertaining – As my friend, and current roommate put it, “Isn’t it great that insanity can be the only way to stay sane?”
That was a really long paragraph. Have I ever mentioned how annoying I find it that HTML doesn’t allow for indention? Why is that? I’m a programmer, I should know this, but I don’t. Oh, well, it doesn’t matter, does it?
I’m writing this on Sunday, but I plan on posting it on Monday, simply to spread things out (I just posted that short story-type thing a few minutes ago). I made a decision for myself; set a goal: by next year, I want to have one, single product written, in full. I also decided what that product would be: my project to create a graphic novel that is, in essence, the presentation of a play, or a series of plays. I will have it written by the time I’m twenty-two, and then I will see what feels right about coming next. I’ve been mulling over and dabbling on this project for two and a half years, now, so I know what I want to do, how I want to do it – I just need to do it, heh . . .
Also, now is the time for revisitation of the past, re-evaluation, revision, and representation; in other words, a lot of things that start with “re.” Advancement, as well, of course, but you can go forward by looking back – I would know. The future is too uncertain to rely on, whereas the past has happened and can be used like a source, reference book in the bibliography of a research project. Some say let go, I say, “Fuck you.” However, that sentiment is highly tangential to . . . Everything here, really.
What I mean becomes clear, in time, as it always has been. You’ll see.
Adios.