Ugh, the idea was that I'd write that relatively brief entry, then turn in for the night. Unfortunately, it's so bloody hot, I can't even consider sleeping, yet. I can't friggin' believe that it is April and I have to resort to my air conditioner to not be sitting here, sweating! I know that, because I live on a pennisula, surrounded by the ocean and two rivers, weather here is rather sporadic and prone to fluxuate, but this year has been particularily insane. It has snowed three times this first, fiscal quarter of the year, and it usually never snows; the very first time it snowed, it clocked in at a foot, a foot, I tell you! Sure, the second time, it didn't even accumulate on the pavement, but an unpredicted, midday flurry in February? Then, God only knows why, a few inches of snow and ice decided to come visit in March. If that wintry whirlwind of wacky weather wasn't enough to confound any local, I don't think Nature has made up its bleeding mind about exactly when Spring is going to set in, because it's been cold, warm, cold, hot, chilly, cold, and now it's a wonderful week of balmy temperatures in the eighties and nineties! Anyway, enough of ranting about the lack of a climate, onto what I intended to write about, the last bit of Sunday morning's unjustifiably murdered post.
I understand that I can come across as an absolute asshole, someone who is unpleasant, unhappy, negative, cynical, pessimistic, uncaring, thoughtless and sarcastic. This has never really phased me, before, due to the facts that, for one, no matter what, in the end, I am perfectly happy with who I am, and I, also, understand that superficial and surface-level assumptions of my character are unreflective of my inner, true person. Moreover, even those who know me the best, who have prodded and explored my mind and heard my thoughts and philosphies, fail to, still, grasp and understand the total picture of myself; I doubt anyone is capable of doing so, basically, aside from me. At times, though, the one who is clawing for answers about what and why I think certain things happens to be me.
In social circles, there always exists certain levels of friendships. At the bottom, there are some who can not stand each other, who barely tolerate the presence of one another, and would not even momentarily be compassionate or considerate of each other. A notch higher are those who simply do not think too highly of each other, that may or may not like or enjoy the other's company, but does not despise that person, nor loves and savours him and wishes to expound their time together. (I default to the masculine pronoun "him," because I am not a radical feminist nor politically correct, and, also, understand the latin roots of the English language.) Thirdly, among a group, some, essentially, do not care about others; moreoever, they possess no strong or substantial opinions of the other. They pass in the street or walkway and nod, but whether or not one of them stops and chats is irrelevant to the outcome of their days. The degree of a friendship above that is what most people classify as "friends." They share information about each other, spend time, voluntarily, and seek to do so often enough to be accountable for as a sizable chunk of each other's time, trust exists between them, and an interest in some of the same subjects, so on and so on; an innumerable amount of traits make up what a true friend is, but, I'm sure, you get the picture. A relationship superceding that with another person breaks the boundaries of simple "friends" and hinges on a romantic or intimate relationship, and all logic, rational thought, common sense, and any semblance of the ability to objectively analyse the situation breaks apart and falls away into oblivion.
I have lived for my entire known time of possessing consciousness without ever experiencing a relationship that dwelled in that grey, unmapped territory. I'm one of the cleaner persons you'll be able to find: I have never drank, never smoked, never did any drugs, never broken the law beyond a minor infracture, and never lost my virginity. I don't take any real shame in that last fact, being I possess a respect for the opposite gender and a sense of chivalry and romance, at least, in my own terms. (Find for me any scenario where one is not a virgin and has never experienced a deep relationship without the involvement of a one night fling, drunken mistake, or other similar situations, and I'll not associate those three traits as one. Well, it is possible to not possess the respect and chivalry and, still, have the virginity due to being an absolute recluse, antisocial figure, overly (in my opinion) religious person, etcetera, etcetera... But, the point was aimed more towards the worst case.) So, on the emotional plane, I definitely rank a newbie, and, hell, my only date is ambigious as to whether or not it was in itself. So, you should be getting the image about now of a man who is a, subjectively speaking, straight arrow with decent morales and the like, but keeps to himself, is not that outgoing, and has been trampled over his entire life.
But, the flip side to the coin is that, while I have been told by a friend that my very appearance is that of a man who does not wish to be approached, the truth is quite the opposite. While, I may be wearing sunglasses and headphones, or, in some examples, a black trenchcoat and maroon fedora, (Hey, I like the style, not the social stereotypes associated with it.) I do not mind, in the least, if someone interrupts my music to talk and interact. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I take a special pleasure in being brought out of my introverted bubble, being it indicates, to some amount, that someone has enough interest to go to the trouble of getting my elusive attention, something a more apathetic or unconcerned person wouldn't. Socially speaking, I am not impaired, I do not lack the ability to socialise, in any shape or definition of the word. It is, mostly, that when I am alone, I do not mind it, and I choose to occupy myself with self-absorbing activities like listening to music, reading, drawing, and writing to pass the time between actively being with a friend. I'm a loner; I have always been independent, which is why it does not surprise me in the least that I have cultivated the appearance of someone who is unapproachable: I don't blend in with the crowd, at all, and am completely atypical. However, this, as of late, hasn't been serving me too well in my own favour...
At times, when in solitude and in the act of walking, aimlessly, (An activity I engage in, often.) the weather may exceptional at that time: perhaps, the trees' leaves look alive, the temperature is cool, a slight breeze, animals scurrying about, birds in the trees, singing, the Disney-esque scene from a movie where all is well and right with the world, you know the jist. During those times, the only thought that seems to cross my mind more than once is that I wish I could be sharing the scene with another. Yesterday, I was in the movie theatre, watching Ice Age, and, as much as I love my folks, all I really wanted was to be there on a date, with a woman beside me. Well, I had half of that, but I'd prefer the woman to, for one and most importantly, not be my mother, and, two, to be a slight bit younger. (Please, no offense to those who prefer older women, it's just a matter of my own, personal taste. A... twenty-five or more age difference is over my limits.) Also, I'm facing an inkling of dissapointment, as, this week, a girl I may or may not have decided to ask out, finally, revealed she was going out with a man, so, as you can imagine, that eliminated that option. Of course, it was, also, a case of me, literally, sitting on the decision to bide time until I knew her status, since I saw her so disoften that I couldn't assess the answer on my own, lacking the needed amount of information and ability to observe. What it boils down to is that I'm facing a spiel of loneliness and, currently, no way to directly dig myself out...
Well, I digress, per the fact that I am babbling and I have drained, pretty much, the contents of my memory of what I wrote and lost on Sunday morning.

Adios

Currently Playing Song: Soundgarden - Fresh Tendrils
Quote of the Moment: "They just look at my mouth, look at my mouth, look at my mouth and say, 'Hey, man, I know where you're coming from.' Yeah... BULLSHIT!" - Fugazi, "Furniture."